I'm Sorry For All The Times My Depression Has Made Me A Piece Of Shit

Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

I wish it didn't happen so frequently, but unfortunately, it does. Friendships, academics, hobbies, you name it — I spiral and become shitty in all of those categories.

This isn't me trying to speak down on myself, I'm merely just acknowledging an aspect of mental health I feel is often disregarded as someone just being a shitty person, not the side effect that it is.

I love writing, but I can tell when I'm in a "funk," as I like to call it, I'm noticeably more depressed than the average day. This funk makes me dread writing. In fact, I feel immobilized, knowing I want and need to write but can't. Every time I try and sit down to write, I can't find the right words. What I'm writing becomes pointless and shitty to me. Even now, writing this, I'm struggling.

I pride myself on trying my best to be a great friend. I passionately love and encourage my friends, and I'd be nothing without them. Whenever I'm in my funk though, I become a shitty friend. I don't respond to texts, I try to figure my way out of plans, I only care about my problems. I hate that. My friends deserve better than me weaponizing my depression and shutting myself off from everyone when things get bad.

My depression makes me feel like I can't function sometimes, even with the medication that I'm on. It feels like all I can focus on are the bad things in my life, inevitably feeling overwhelmed and like my world is falling apart. It really doesn't take much for me to become a piece of shit, and I'm sorry.

I try to be raw when I talk about my struggles with mental illness. I try to be open to decrease the stigma surrounding speaking up about it. Part of that is calling myself out on being a piece of shit.

My depression doesn't completely control me, but it does usually have a fairly firm grasp. I wish I could say it didn't affect my behavior and personality so easily, but it does. I'm sorry for that. I'm working on being less shitty when it comes to coping with my depression. I hope you can be patient with me.

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