Baseball Is NOT Too Slow

Pack a lip, grab a spitter, settle in, and buckle up, shits about to get western down here.

Our fearless, and brainless leader

Let us all take a moment of silence for the game we once knew. The great, pure, fun game of baseball. Where players played, coaches coached, and the commissioner only showed up at the World Series and Hall of Fame day. AND no one gave a flying fuck how long they were at the ball park because baseball is fucking fun?

Now take that sweet nostalgic image you just had and fuck that shit sideways because it is long gone friends. Rob Manfred is a clown and is hell bent on ruining the game. You cannot convince me otherwise and if you try to do so, you're wrong and I hate you. Let us just go over some of his most recent screwings.

The Communisioner as I shall refer to him as, has been on an unchecked vendetta on pitchers since the day he got the job. He pondered removing warm up pitches from between innings and for new relievers entering the game. Go fuck yourself. No two mounds are the same, and if my high school coach is reading this telling me that the mound shouldn't affect my pitching, well you don't know shit anyway. But in all honesty, the ground your standing on is a pretty big deal in any athletic event, so why shouldn't I get pitches to adjust to it? Oh, because that 3 minutes of me getting my body ready to perform at the highest level is going to make your instant gratification gland in your brain lose its shit? Sorry you can go watch ballet or something, baseball doesn't need you.

That was only the beginning of the shit storm. Just this week the man imposed "experimental rule changes" on the top indy league. Those poor bastards are now stuck in a pointless year. The rule changes are as follows per

Home-plate umpire assisted in calling balls and strikes by a TrackMan radar tracking system

No mound visits permitted by players or coaches other than for pitching changes or medical issues

Pitchers must face a minimum of three batters, or reach the end of an inning before they exit the game, unless the pitcher becomes injured

Increase size of first, second and third base from 15 inches square to 18 inches square

Require two infielders to be on each side of second base when a pitch is released (if not, the ball is dead and the umpire shall call a ball)

Time between innings and pitching changes reduced from 2:05 to 1:45

Distance from pitching rubber to home plate extended 24 inches, in the second half of the season only; with no change to mound height or slope

Now I have seen some dumb shit in my day, but this takes the damn cake. The Trackman idea is not terrible, yet takes away the very art of catching. Catching when done well, is a damn art form. Presenting a pitch to make an umpire see a strike when there isn't one is a thing of beauty. Fuck you catchers, just knock it down if its outside the little laser box. It takes the human aspect out of the game. In life you have to learn with shit calls, just like in baseball, yet America has gone soft and now everything has to be fair. Fuck fair, win the damn game

No mound visits? So my catcher and I get crossed up, my name is Jordan Hicks, and we can't clear up the communication because the fat guy in the stands might get bored? Next pitch Yadi calls slider and I throw 105 through his facemask, Yadi out for year. That oughta sell some tickets ya think Rob? I bet people would love to get to see their favorite team in person once a year and have no shot of seeing their favorite player?

Now I could right a book on why these seven rules are dumb as shit. But the one that really makes me wanna slap someones grandma silly is the moving the rubber back two damn feet. Are you fucking kidding me. Which one of these doctorate degree wielding slappies invented this bullshit idea. Why in the hell would I be told from 14-25 that I throw the ball to the plate 60.5 foot away. Then it becomes my job to do that, the way I earn my living, and some HArvard man decides that I now have to throw it 24 inches further, and lose 4 miles an hour, change my whole delivery, and learn on the fly, and also maybe catch a scouts eye? This is just plain ignorant, stupid, and if I was the boys in the Atlantic, I'd be on strike.

I have a novel idea, hear me out here because shits about to get western.


Now Rob, the MLB record for tanks in a season was broken last year, and probably will be again. There is no shortage of offense. Also, if this is for "pace of play" move the mound closer, make it harder to hit, the faster outs are made, the faster the game goes. More offense, longer games. Better pitching, shorter games. Simple. Fucking. Physics.

Thank you for joining me on this tirade, I am going to drink a beer and watch videos of Chris Sale putting Machado on a knee to end the Series on repeat. Goodnight America.

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